As most of you know, I am not a religious man. I have my own belief system that is based on what I have learned about the world and the people in it over the course of my life so far. When I was younger and far less intelligent I was a militant ass; much more intolerant and therefore far less tolerable to be around. You could say I was a complete shit, and I would not have cause to correct you, as it is unfortunately true.
I have since grown older, wiser*, softer, and some would say more apathetic towards most everything in general. This has made me realize a few things; one being everybody needs a philosophy that they can subscribe to (even if very loosely), so if you are in between belief systems or even if you are not, I encourage your to read the following short list and see if you can use it until you find something better/more fitting to your life style. This is by no means me trying trying push anything on anyone. On the contrary, I found this and thought I would share it with you: my captive audience of relatives, acquaintances friends, Romans, and countrymen.
I cannot take credit for what your are about to read but I think (for the most part) it is a good set of ideals. Feel free to substitute any of the diety specific references for your own higher power icon. There is a link at the bottom to the originating website if you are so inclined, if not, that’s just peachy as well.
The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monsters Eight “I’d Really Rather You Didn’ts”
1. I’d really rather you didn’t act like a sanctimonious holier-than-thou ass when describing my noodly goodness. If some people don’t believe in me, that’s okay. Really, I’m not that vain. Besides, this isn’t about them so don’t change the subject.
2. I’d really rather you didn’t use my existence as a means to oppress, subjugate, punish, eviscerate, and/or, you know, be mean to others. I don’t require sacrifices, and purity is for drinking water, not people.
3. I’d really rather you didn’t judge people for the way they look, or how they dress, or the way they talk, or, well, just play nice, okay? Oh, and get this into your thick heads: woman = person. man = person. Samey = Samey. One is not better than the other, unless we’re talking about fashion and I’m sorry, but I gave that to women and some guys who know the difference between teal and fuchsia.
4. I’d really rather you didn’t indulge in conduct that offends yourself, or your willing, consenting partner of legal age AND mental maturity. As for anyone who might object, I think the expression is “go f*** yourself,” unless they find that offensive in which case they can turn off the TV for once and go for a walk for a change.
5. I’d really rather you didn’t challenge the bigoted, misogynistic, hateful ideas of others on an empty stomach. Eat, then go after the bastard.
6. I’d really rather you didn’t build multi million-dollar synagogues / churches / temples / mosques / shrines to my noodly goodness when the money could be better spent (take your pick):
Ending poverty
Curing diseases
Living in peace, loving with passion, and lowering the cost of cable
I might be a complex-carbohydrate omniscient being, but I enjoy the simple things in life. I ought to know. I AM the creator.
7. I’d really rather you didn’t go around telling people I talk to you. You’re not that interesting. Get over yourself. And I told you to love your fellow man, can’t you take a hint?
8. I’d really rather you didn’t do unto others as you would have them do unto you if you are into, um, stuff that uses a lot of leather/lubricant/Vaseline. If the other person is into it, however (pursuant to #4), then have at it, take pictures, and for the love of Mike, wear a CONDOM! Honestly, it’s a piece of rubber. If I didn’t want it to feel good when you did it I would have added spikes, or something.
*this is open to debate
Rob (from the Internet) 